My Boyfriend Wants To Break Up After Every Fight (5 Reason)
In a relationship, fights are normal, but what happens when every argument ends with your boyfriend saying, “This isn’t working, we should break up”?
You’re in a heated argument over something small, and suddenly, he drops the bombshell: “I regret ever being in this relationship” or “I don’t see a future or a family with us.”
It’s not just the big fights, either. Even small disagreements sometimes lead to such drastic statements. Maybe you disagreed on what movie to watch, and it quickly escalated to him questioning the entire relationship.
Or perhaps a discussion about whose turn it was to do the dishes turned into a full-blown argument about commitment and compatibility.
You’re walking on eggshells, where any small misstep leads to a threat of a breakup. This leaves you confused, hurt, and unsure about where your relationship stands.
This post dives into the reasons for this troubling pattern in order to help you understand why such extreme reactions occur, and what you can do about it.
See also: “I Think We Should See Other People”: 9 Possible Meanings
1. Attachment style
In a relationships, each person reacts differently to conflicts. This is often linked to something called “attachment style.” There are three main types: secure, anxious, and avoidant.
Your boyfriend’s habit of threatening to break up during fights might be due to an avoidant attachment style. You, on the other hand, might have an anxious style.
Triggers in a relationship are things that upset someone. It could be a poorly worded compliment or a delayed response to a message. Everyone has triggers, but the key is how we respond.
Anxious individuals might respond with anger, yelling, and harsh words. Secure individuals might be briefly upset but then let it go. Avoidant individuals, like your boyfriend, might internalize their feelings, leading to resentment.
When arguments happen, an anxious person might say things they don’t mean out of frustration. Once they’ve expressed their feelings, they feel better.
But for someone with an avoidant attachment style, those harsh words don’t just disappear. They linger and hurt deeply.
Your boyfriend may seem to handle the conflict by ignoring or walking away, but inside, he’s struggling. The more intense the argument, the more he withdraws.
This buildup of negative feelings may lead to him saying “I’m going to break up with you.” He’s feeling overwhelmed and doesn’t know how to express it.
Avoidant individuals often don’t have a way to effectively release their emotions like anxious people do. Misunderstandings arise from this. Anxious individuals might think their avoidant partner is uncaring or emotionless. But that’s not the case.
The anxious-avoidant combination is challenging. It requires deep self-awareness to manage emotions and communicate effectively.
The lack of understanding and communication in a relationship with conflicting attachment styles can sometimes lead to a breakup. Anxious people need to learn to stay calm, while avoidant individuals should work on expressing their feelings.
See also: 9 reasons he doesn’t want a relationship
2. Fear of vulnerability
Your boyfriend’s behavior of wanting to break up after every argument may also be a sign of separation anxiety or a fear of being vulnerable. This can make him push you away as a defense mechanism.
People with separation anxiety often worry about their partner leaving them. To cope, they might end things first to avoid the pain of being left. It’s a way to control a situation they feel is out of their hands.
If your boyfriend has these fears, each fight seems like a potential end to the relationship, so he suggests breaking up.
Another possibility is that he’s testing the waters. If he’s unsure about your commitment, he uses threats of breaking up to gauge your reaction and see if you’re thinking of leaving.
If you rush to assure him or fix things, he may feel more secure. But this pattern can be draining and unhealthy for both of you.
Communicating openly about these anxieties and reassuring each other can help your boyfriend feel more secure and less inclined to end things at the sign of trouble.
3. Control and manipulation
If your boyfriend suggests breaking up after every argument, it might not just be about his attachment style or insecurities. It could also be a way to control, manipulate, or use your feelings against you to win the argument.
The threat of a breakup can sometimes be a way to gain the upper hand in arguments by shifting the focus from the actual issue to the fear of losing the relationship. It puts you in a position where you feel the need to back down to avoid a breakup.
When he uses the possibility of ending the relationship, it makes you feel insecure and more likely to give in.
Playing on your emotions allows him to manipulates the outcome of the argument in his favor. He uses your feelings for him against you, which makes it harder for you to stand your ground or express your true feelings and concerns.
Disagreements turn into a power play, where the objective shifts from finding a solution to simply winning the argument.
Healthy relationships should be based on respect, open communication, and the ability to resolve conflicts without fear or manipulation.
4. Rage & cool-down cycles
Another possible reason is that, during a heated argument, your boyfriend gets so angry that he enters a state of blind rage and says things he doesn’t truly mean, like threatening to break up.
This intense anger blinds him to your feelings and the actual issue at hand. It’s a reaction driven more by emotion than rational thought.
After the argument, when the rage subsides, he go back to a calmer state and starts to see things more clearly. He may realize that breaking up isn’t what he actually wants or that his reaction was too extreme.
He starts to understand your perspective and feels sorry for the hurtful things he said in anger. As both of you move past the argument, you start getting closer again.
The realization of almost losing the relationship can make him more affectionate or attentive. This period feels like a relief after the intense conflict.
However, this cycle can be draining if it repeats often. The extreme shifts from anger to getting closer is emotionally exhausting. It’s important to address the root cause of these intense reactions.
Seeking guidance from a relationship counselor can help break this pattern and establish healthier ways of dealing with conflicts.
5. He’s looking for excuses to break up
Another potential reason for your boyfriend suggesting breaking up after every fight is that he’s not satisfied with the relationship. He might be using these arguments as an excuse to end things.
Perhaps he’s unhappy but doesn’t know how to express it directly. Instead of openly discussing his feelings, he uses arguments as a chance to talk about breaking up.
It’s a way of signaling that he’s not satisfied without having to confront the issue head-on.
He might also be unsure about the relationship but hesitant to end it outright. During arguments, saying things like “let’s break up” is a way of testing the idea of being apart.
Ask him how he feels about your time together. Is he truly happy? Does he see a future with you? Try to have these talks away from the heat of an argument.
See also: I Don’t Trust My Boyfriend – Even Though He Hasn’t Done Anything
So what can you do?
Your boyfriend saying he wants to break up every time you argue puts you on a permanent emotional roller coaster. What can you do about it?
One radical approach is to take his breakup threats at face value. If he says he wants to break up, consider accepting this decision. He may realize the gravity of his words and the risk of losing you, prompting him to come back and apologize.
This could be a wake-up call for him to change his behavior.
On the other hand, he might actually let you go. While painful, this could be better for you in the long run. You should be in a relationship where you’re not constantly threatened with a breakup.
An alternative path is to try to encourage him to express his feelings openly. When he feels vulnerable, instead of resorting to threats, he must learn to communicate his fears and concerns.
Perhaps with the help of a counselor, also analyze how he learned to deal with conflicts. He’s may be mirroring behaviors he saw in his family or past relationships.
Try to understand why these conflicts escalate, and to work on healthier ways to deal with disagreements.
For example, together you might learn about “fair fighting” in relationships, which involves resolving conflicts constructively, without hurting each other.
The approach focuses on staying respectful, actively listening, and expressing feelings without blame. The goal is to understand and solve issues together, avoiding personal attacks, and seeking compromise instead of victory.
