How Do I Tell My Boyfriend When I’m Upset At Something? (And Should I)
You’re at the beach, toes in the sand, waiting for your boyfriend to show up. You’ve planned a surprise picnic with all his favorites – sandwiches, his choice of chips, and that chocolate cake he loves.
Hours pass, and the sun starts to dip, painting the sky in shades of orange and pink. You’ve texted, called, and finally, you see him jogging down the beach, waving.
He’s late, really late, and there’s no excuse that could make up for the melted ice cream or the seagulls that eyed your feast.
As he gets closer, out of breath, you’re not sure what to say. The perfect day you planned has turned into a solo session with the seagulls for company.
What should you do when your guy does something that really stings? Or when what he does, or doesn’t do, makes you feel all alone, even though you’re together? And how do you tell him you’re upset without things going south? Should you even tell him?
Many women are dealing with the same problem. Their man isn’t putting in as much effort as he could into the relationship, and they’re wondering how to handle it.
Below, I’ll go over 10 essential rules to follow before you say something to your boyfriend that might hurt his feelings, get him defensive, and create a rift in your relationship.
Express Your Feelings
It’s important to tell your boyfriend how you feel, focusing on your emotions without blaming him.
Just say it straight: “I felt really ignored when you were on your phone at dinner.”
The goal isn’t to make him feel bad, but to let him see your side. Keep it about you and how you feel, not what he did.
This way, he won’t feel attacked, and he’s more likely to hear you out instead of just putting up walls.
Balance Honesty and Sensitivity
Being honest doesn’t mean you have to lay it all out, no filter. Be truthful about what you’re feeling, but do so in a way that’s sensitive to both your emotions and his.
Like, if he’s always late, don’t throw a fit and say, “You’re never on time!”
Try, “I feel like I’m not a priority when you don’t show up when you say you will.”
It’s straight up but not harsh. This way, you’re being real about your feelings without making him feel like the bad guy.
You need to find that sweet spot where you’re being true to yourself without being too tough on him.
Avoid Too Much Detail on His Actions
When you’re telling him what’s up, you don’t need to list every little thing he did wrong. It’s like, if he forgot your anniversary, don’t hit him with a play-by-play of how he’s forgotten important stuff before.
Just say, “I felt really sad we didn’t celebrate our anniversary.” Don’t focus on the details; but rather on how those actions (or lack of) made you feel.
This keeps the conversation from turning into a big blame game.
Let Him Respond
After sharing your feelings, allow him to ask questions or guess why you’re hurt, keeping the focus on your emotions.
After you’ve shared your piece, give him the floor. It’s like tossing the ball in his court.
Say, “Now you know how I feel. What do you think?” Give him a chance to explain, or even apologize.
Don’t just get stuff off your chest, make sure you hear him out, too. Dialogue is a two-way street.
When he talks, really listen, don’t just wait for your turn to speak again.
Don’t Try to Fix Him
When you’re sharing how you feel, remember it’s not your job to fix him or how he acts.
Say something like, “I felt really let down when we didn’t go out as planned.” Leave it at that.
You’re just putting your feelings out there, not handing him a to-do list.
If he cares, he’ll figure out on his own how to step up. Trust him to make his own moves to make things better.
This shows you respect him enough to make changes without being pushed.
Maintain Self-Esteem
When you talk about what’s bothering you, keep your confidence.
If you say “I feel overlooked when we’re with your friends and you don’t introduce me”, you’re standing up for yourself, showing that you know your worth.
You’re not asking for pity, just the respect you deserve. Knowing your value sets the standard for how he treats you.
By owning your feelings without begging for change, you demonstrate self-respect and independence.
Avoid Accusations
Accusatory statements can lead to defensiveness; instead, share your feelings as feedback.
When something he does gets under your skin, steer clear of pointing fingers.
Instead of saying, “You always ignore me around your friends,” try “I feel a bit invisible when I’m not introduced to the people we meet.”
You’re sharing your feelings without making him the bad guy. This keeps the conversation productive.
Be Clear and Direct
When you’re upset, don’t beat around the bush or drop hints, hoping he’ll guess what’s wrong. Don’t play games or be mysterious. Just be straight with him.
If he’s always on his phone when you’re together, you could say, “When you’re on your phone at dinner, I feel ignored.” This is clear and to the point.
Again, you’re not accusing him of anything; you’re just telling him how his actions affect you. This clarity helps him understand exactly what’s going on and what he can do to help fix it.
Respond Gently
When he asks why you’re upset, keep it gentle. Even if you’re boiling inside, a soft approach can make a huge difference. Make eye contact, use a calm voice.
“I felt lonely when the plans we made didn’t happen.” This gentle response opens up space for a calm conversation instead of a heated argument.
It’s like when you’re teaching someone new at work. You don’t get frustrated and snap at them. Instead, you explain things calmly and clearly, giving them the chance to understand and improve.
Give him a chance to make it right
When you’ve let him know what’s up, leave some room for him to make things right.
Pause after saying something like “I felt really let down when our plans fell through” to give him a chance to step up on his own.
You’re opening the door for him to show he cares by doing better next time. It’s like saying, “Here’s what’s wrong, and I’m here when you’re ready to make it better.”
So you’re not just handing out a problem; you’re offering an opportunity for growth.
Now that you have these rules down, you’re ready to have a heart-to-heart with your boyfriend. Keep honesty and calmness at the forefront, pick your words wisely, and allow him space to rise to the occasion.
